two birds, one stone

"we had a connection, this feeling has gone too far"

yeah. it has gone too far. i am starting to realize that we are going our seperate ways.

i can no longer wallow in the cyclical depression, and you only thrive in it.

i am trying to escape all that i hate about my past, and use it to become something more.

we may never see the day again.

a new promise to myself

well, i said it before, and i will say it again (and this time i fucking mean it)

i am going to be far more consistent with this stupid blog (not like anyone is reading it) mostly because i think it is the best thing for me as far as therapy goes (or at least that's what my therapist said)

i have quite a lot on my plate. mostly dealing with the stresses of not finding a job.

i have no idea why no one has hired me, even though i have been on a few interviews. (i know, keep trying, it's practice, it'll come eventually) but i don't have until eventually. i need money fucking now.

and i keep being hassled by my mom for be too picky for finding a job. and by picky, she means not working at McDonald's or Wal-Mart.

there is no way in Hell i am ever working at either of those place. McDonald's might as well be vegan Hell and Wal-Mart is definitely Hell.

i try to explain to my mom that it doesn't matter that i don't work with food at McDonald's, it still is the number one buyer of factory farm meat, which i am totally against. i cannot accept money from such a company. it's like if my mom, the Catholic, was only able to make money if she was the flower arranger at The Church of Satan, during their Black Masses.

and Wal-Mart is notorious for taking advantage of illegal aliens, who's plea i have grown very attached to recently, so it is again like my mom, a dog lover, was secretary for a practice that beat dogs (or something like that...)

well, i have applied at a few local theatres and a supermarket or two, so... hopefully i can get hired.

but i am also concerned about my past, and my inability to remember it, because i think for the most part, i have blocked it out because of my enormous amount of anger towards my dad... which i will write about later. i am a tad tired now, and really the stories that i do have deserve their own blog. and i need to ponder/meditate about my past to see if i can uncover my extreme hate and sorrow i have for it.

so, nighty night world (or me, and the two other people who are probably going to read this)

c'ya later space cowboy

my YouTube shorties and such **FLASH HEAVY POST**

do i really need a vlog, a blog, and a microblog?

the answer is yes, although, because my vlogs are not the easiest to make, chances are they are going to be more lighthearted, and they have been so far!

well, here they are... oh, and i'm not going to import my MySpace stuff, so you're just gonna have to go see that yourself if you really really want to.

explanation and a discussion on a topic that doesn't need to be deep

so, yeah, i forgot that i had a blog here, so i am going to again, be in the process of moving stuff not only from my MySpace blog (which i am growing less and less attached to) and some stuff that i have done for YouTube.

anyway, that was the explanation, now, the discussion. empty philosophy.

Colossians 2:8 says "Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ."

now, i am not a Christian,but i do believe that the writer had a point.

empty philosophy is just that, deceit, but not really for the one that is supposedly being deceived, but for the one deceiving. for they are lying to themselves that they are indeed like Christ (and i am saying Christ in the sense of him being a very intelligent and spiritual teacher.)

there is nothing wring with striving to be spiritual and look beyond the realms that which confine us to this "human" being. but it gets really fucking annoying when everything is put into question, or given a spiritual perspective.

answers don't lie in every crevice of the earth and as much as i want to believe that we are all special and works of art, we are all the same, because we all believe that we are special.

a couch is just a couch, and not things to delve upon the deepness of rest. a game of basketball is nothing more than just competition between two sides for the gratification of a win, not a work of art (although, that does not make it any less interesting to watch or mean the athletes are any less skillful than a painter). and brownies are just delicious cakes of chocolate, and not universes upon themselves that float with the "euphoric: sensations of being that need to be discussed in a manner of spirituality.

these things, and seeking out a deeper meaning for them is empty philosophy. trying to find the essence of a couch or the art in basketball will drive you mad. because they are not necessary for development in our natures as humans.

why don't you think the great philosopher of antiquity and even more modern times discussed things like that? because they had more important things to write huge essays about, like love, inner peace, and human nature. things like that don't matter, and you don't sound deep when you ask questions like that, you sound arrogant, pompous, boorish, and frankly... like a douchebag.

i am not addressing any of you people that will read this, because the people that i am addressing are not going to read this, but i warn those of you that are... don't fall into this trap, and don't put up with people who do this. just tell them they are being douchebags.

"i'm being a douche for thinking deep?"

"no, you are being a douche for deeply thinking about a shallow subject"

"well, that's just your opinion"

"no, that is a shallow subject and you know it. you are merely trying to prove to us that you can think deep, and i know you can. but that does not mean you have to be philosophical about every subject. sometimes a banana is just a banana, love is more than just words, and you are just a jackass that has an inferiority complex that is really starting to bug the shit out of me. you don't need to prove to me that you can be smart, because i know that you are, so stop."

too bad that the guy i want to yell this at only sees his words and select others (ones he deems "deep") valid.

jackass.

c'ya later space cowboy

a poem

a cool October morn
and it haunts me,
as they did in the summer

no, now, i am alone still
no, now, i find myself devoid
now, i am detached from all souls

an empty vase
a dark room
a cold Autumn morning

it is all the same
nothing is different
i am all alone

Pandora's Box

i broke my hiatus from acting to collaborate with my good friend Justin "Danger" Garcia, and act alongside Kasey Sullivan and Irene "Nena" Ramirez, in a suspense short film.


thanks a lot to you guys who saw it, and thanks to you for watching it!




c'ya later space cowboy

the lover (a poem)

'twas a warm october night when first did we
exchange a bouquet of words
such simple words, arising happily
fate, song of the crow bird

oh how you filled my mind with dreams,
as i was in a slumber
like a bell ringing, your scream
your body, a crimson rill ebb under

yea, a fortnight came and gone
i saw you once again
your cry reverb'rated like a song
sanguine symphony, amity and vein

i approachéd unto thee
my eyes beaming unto yours
i say "do you remember me?"
your reply: "of course"

o we chatted ever so gaily
and then we bid goodbye
from then on, i bore you daily
you every move, whisper, cry

infatuated with you, i was
lust filled mine eyes
amour, my love,
o how i long to hear your cries

outside your window did i spy
slumber upon thine head
your blood, your scream did i,
stimulate to spill my seed

courage once did fill my heart
genius came to me
to your lock, did i start
to open with your spare key

in your quarters did you lay
chest heaved up and down
on your belly, 'pendiges a-splay
you were mine, no other soul around

silently did i strip
onto your bed did i climb
bound your hands to your hip
pleasure filled me as you cried

your screaming filled the air
as i began the deed
i tore your flesh, and pulled your hair
and still i did proceed

your blood was spilled, oh so gracefully
ah, your scream, reverberate
the cries, the sanguity
i began to copulate

oh you your flesh, taught and young
my phallus did enjoy
your tears, a beauty unsung
o you, my lovely boy

once my essence was expelled
your wailing did not subside
i bent to your ear, your head i held
"don't worry, you have already died"

i rapped your head, your eyes did close
your body i did carry
to the gorge. your body rose,
oh so light and airy

down the cliff your body danced
broken bones, spilled blood
i watched you wontonly entranced
'twas how i showed my love

c'ya later, space cowboy